Parenting in the digital age can be challenging, especially when you’re sharing custody with a former partner who has a different approach to managing technology.
Co-parenting after divorce brings challenges that go beyond physical custody and visitation schedules. How do you keep your children safe online when your ex doesn’t share the same views? This situation can be even more difficult when your ex’s parenting choices stir up old conflicts and fears from your marriage, or when it feels like they aren’t taking the necessary steps to protect your children online.
While it would be ideal to include a technology clause in your parenting plan from the start, many co-parents find themselves without one. Since you can’t change the past, it’s important to focus on what you can do moving forward.
Remember, you can’t control your ex’s actions, but you can control your own. By being a consistent, protective, and supportive parent, you can help your children navigate the digital world and adjust to life after divorce.
Common Concerns and Challenges that may arise during shared custody
When co-parents have different approaches to digital parenting, several challenges can arise:
1. Inconsistent Rules: If one parent is more relaxed about screen time or online behavior while the other is stricter, children can get mixed messages. This inconsistency can leave kids confused and unsure of what’s acceptable.
2. Safety Concerns: A more lenient parent might not monitor their child’s internet activity as closely, which can expose the child to risks like inappropriate content, online predators, or cyberbullying. For instance, if one parent doesn’t use parental controls, the child might access websites or apps that the other parent considers unsafe.
3. Privacy Issues: Parents might disagree on whether it’s appropriate to post their child’s photos on social media or share personal information online. One parent may feel it’s harmless to share pictures of a family outing, while the other is concerned about privacy and prefers not to share anything about the child online.
4. Cost Disagreements: If one parent buys the child a smartphone or tablet and expects the other parent to cover half the cost, it can lead to conflict. The other parent might refuse to pay if they don’t think the device is necessary or if they weren’t involved in the decision to purchase it.
5. Access to Devices: Parents may have different opinions about how freely the child should use their phone or tablet. For example, one parent might believe the child should always have access to their phone to contact the other parent, while the other parent might limit access to certain times of day.
6. Location Tracking and Monitoring: Disagreements can arise if one parent uses tracking apps to monitor the child’s location or phone usage, especially during the other parent’s custody time. The non-owner parent might feel this invades their privacy and undermines their time with the child.
7. Content and Age-Appropriate Controls: Parents might not agree on when a child is ready for their first phone or what restrictions should be in place. One parent might think it’s fine for an 8-year-old to have a phone, while the other believes the child should be older and have strict limits on app usage and internet access.
The risks of not aligning on digital parenting
Inconsistent rules can lead to children testing boundaries, playing parents against each other, or becoming overly reliant on screens. More importantly, children could be exposed to real dangers online, such as inappropriate content, cyberbullying, or privacy breaches. Additionally, differing attitudes toward digital parenting can exacerbate tension between co-parents, making it harder to maintain a cooperative and supportive relationship.
Tips for Navigating Shared Custody and Digital Parenting
When co-parenting, the main goal is to come to an agreement that prioritizes your child’s online safety. While this can be tough, it’s achievable with patience and open communication. Effective communication requires more than just stating your own wishes and expecting your ex to comply. It involves making requests, sharing your hopes for your children, carefully listening to your former partner’s concerns, and finding common ground.
It’s unlikely that you’ll always see eye to eye, but having a coordinated plan can be beneficial. When that’s not possible, focus on creating a safe online environment at home and educating your children about online safety.
Here are some tips and tools you may find useful:
1. Set boundaries
Once you’ve established trust through open communication, work on setting clear boundaries. These boundaries should be realistic and practical for both households. For example, you might agree on:
- Screen time limits during weekdays and weekends.
- No devices in bedrooms after a certain hour or during family dinners.
- Schoolwork or chores are completed before using any devices.
- Parents must approve downloaded apps, with time limits set for their usage.
Remember, the goal of these boundaries is to protect your children, not to control them or interfere with the other parent’s life. Think about what you’re trying to safeguard—whether it’s quality family time, your child’s innocence, or their overall well-being. If your ex-spouse or children suggest boundaries you can support, be open to embracing those shared agreements.
2. Balance Compromise with Your Values
If you can’t find common ground with your ex, all you can do is to clearly communicate your plans and reasons. For example, you can say, “I understand your perspective, but I have concerns about the consequences if we don’t set this boundary. I will enforce this rule when the kids are with me.”
Be patient as your children adjust to different rules in different households. Stick to your values, even if it seems like you’re the stricter parent. Your children may not appreciate it now or complain and compare you to your ex, but they are likely to understand and respect your decisions in the future.
3. Avoid Judging Your Ex’s Decisions
Focus on what you can control in your household rather than what happens in theirs. When your children return from their other parent’s home, ask them about their time without judgment or big reactions. It’s important not to shame your children for how they spend their time, even if you’re frustrated with your ex’s decisions. Show your children by example how to maintain boundaries and a healthy lifestyle. If you see your ex-spouse respecting a boundary, acknowledge and appreciate it.
4. Educate Your Child on Digital Safety
You can’t control what happens at your ex’s house, but you can empower your child with knowledge. Educate them about online safety, making sure they understand the importance of protecting their personal information and being cautious about what they share online. Encourage open conversations about the media they consume and their online experiences. Celebrate the healthy choices they make and gently guide them when you disagree.
5. Seek Support
You don’t have to navigate this alone. Many parents have gone through similar challenges, and there are resources available to help you. Consider joining a support group, participating in group therapy focused on divorce, or talking to trusted friends and family members.
6. Use Tech to Keep Your Children Safe
Protecting your children online requires courage, commitment, and a little help from tech tools designed to keep them (and you) safe online.
If you don’t know where to start, here’s a step-by-step plan for you and your children:
- Install Antivirus with Parental Controls
Start by installing a reliable antivirus program on all devices you and your children use. Ensure the software includes parental controls, allowing you to set up restrictions on websites, apps, and screen time on their devices. This will help you monitor and manage what your child can access online, protecting them from harmful content.
- Use Scamio to Prevent Online Scams
Prevent scams with Scamio, which helps you identify and avoid phishing attempts and fake websites. Send it any texts, messages, links, QR codes, or images, and it will analyze them to determine if they are part of a scam. Scamio is free and available on Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, and your web browser. You can also help others stay safe by sharing Scamio with them in France, Germany, Spain, Italy, Romania, Australia, and the UK.
Teach your child the importance of being cautious with online offers, especially those that seem too good to be true, and encourage them to check with you before sharing personal information or clicking on suspicious links.
- Consider using a VPN
Bitdefender Premium VPN safeguards your online activities by encrypting your internet connection, making it harder for hackers or third parties to track your online behavior. This also helps prevent your child, who shares the same IP, from being targeted with intrusive ads.
It takes a village to raise a child and a good protection plan to keep them safe online.
If you need help protecting your children and yourself, consider our all-in-one plans, that can save you time and energy when dealing with online threats. You’ll receive complete malware protection, unlimited traffic VPN, a Password Manager, and Bitdefender Parental Control. It will help you to keep track of the apps your child downloads and how much time they spend on them. You can set internet time limits, get insights into your child’s online activities, and receive alerts for any red flags —all without intruding on anyone’s personal space.